Bad Buddhist Signs On

I drew this picture with crayons when I was a) too old to be drawing with crayons and b) young enough to think that my suffering was epic in proportion to "normal" people's. What was wrong with me? I don't know, but whatever it was, it still is. I no longer think that my struggles are anything special, or that I suffer more keenly than anyone else. I just think, when I look at that picture, that I'd like something to change. I'd like to feel like I'm moving with and among the people and places and phenomena of this world instead of reeling from their impact. I guess I'd just like to feel a little safer. Maybe this is what the Buddha meant by "stillness." That sounds deeply appealing. Restful. Not in the sense of expending less energy, but of having more energy to put toward life because anxiety, regret and self-doubt aren't draining it away. Of course, the Buddha also talked a lot about "mindfulness" and "discipline" and "practice" and "vigilance"—this clearly is not about buying a few books and some incense and a loose, flowing robe. Have you ever read the Five Precepts? Or the Four Noble Truths, or the Eight-Fold Path? Have you ever sat completely still, listening to your own monkey-mind, for 20 minutes? This isn't about bliss; it's about work. Well, OK, I'm down with that. I believe in keeping my expectations proportionate to my efforts—seems only fair. But I am a little worried that I lack the necessary stick-to-it-ive-ness. In fact, chances are I might really suck at this Buddhism thing. I hate it when people say "just have faith," you know, "just go with it"—so I'm not going to just plunge right in despite my misgivings. Instead, I'm plunging in and taking them with me, and I expect that however often and however spectacularly I fuck up, someone before me had the same problem and that's how the teaching has grown over the centuries: by proving again and again, in all situations, that it is equal to the challenge of all those who come to it, asking questions, ready to work. Which is not to say it won't frequently, totally, piss me off. To the right is a video meditation on all the stuff I've bought trying to "fix" myself. Click the image to play.

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