Bad Buddhist Really Means It This Time. Seriously.

Hmmm. Three weeks since my first post. Doesn't bode well... Plus, I haven't actually begun to meditate. And while I admit that's mainly due to chronic avoidance of things I'm supposed to do (even when I actually want to do them) I think there's actually something more going on. I think maybe starting a videoblog was a subconscious attempt to sabotage the whole "be a better Buddhist" experiment! It makes sense. If what I really wanted was to start meditating, I'd have started meditating. But I didn't. Instead, I committed publicly to keeping a written record and analysis of the experience — and made a video, which set a precedent that all my blog posts would have a video. So now I can't make a post unless I also have a video. Bad move. I hate making videos. The one in the previous post required totally tearing my house apart; I still haven't put everything away. Also, looking through the eyepiece of a camera makes me dizzy. (Now I remember: this was why I quit film school and turned to media writing, and vowed never to touch production equipment again.) So for three weeks, I've been dreading the next video. Just the thought of setting up the tripod, with its fictitious water-bubble level gauge things and flimsy, floppy, too-many-jointed legs, is exhausting. So I haven't done it. I've fretted about it and sort-of tried to start doing it and berated myself for failing to do it, and got myself locked into this weird "I can't do anything until I do that, but I can't do that, so I can't do anything" loop, where I feel constantly bombarded by the thought of how much I have to do that I haven't even started yet. So I end up not doing anything. Or only doing things that specifically aren't part of the thing I'm stubbornly avoiding. And since I'm avoiding blogging about my be-a-better-Buddhist project, I'm by extension avoiding the project itself. Hence: no meditating. Guilt sets in, and quickly turns to shame: I have this wonderful long break between semesters and what have I done with it? One measly post? Think of all the things a more together person could have accomplished in that time! Most people would be through the Four Noble Truths and well into the precepts by now, or at least have put a fucking cushion on the floor and sat on it a bit. Jeez. I have no excuse, only a new, chewy morsel of insight. Which in turn leads to a question: If I committed to the videoblog idea in order to avoid the actual meditating, should I let go of the videoblog idea? On the one hand, it was a form of self-sabotage and it's only made me miserable; on the other, if I had more self-discipline and perseverance I might eventually make some really good videos. Well, I don't have "more" self-discipline or perseverance. I only have some, and it's not enough to get me making a video every week. The Buddha was a very practical person. I think he'd agree with my decision here. So although I suck at being a Buddhist, maybe I do an OK job of sucking at being a Buddhist. Maybe.

"Buddhist Demon" by Jason Yi-Bing Lin. Besides being a great artist, he's also a professor, book author, and tech genius. Drew a picture a week for the woman who is now his wife. Clearly not the type to sit around complaining or procrastinating — a MUCH better Buddhist than I am (whether he's a Buddhist or not).

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