tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2091479631621288656.post-56440279629107659912007-01-10T10:24:00.000-08:002007-07-25T18:01:44.242-07:002007-07-25T18:01:44.242-07:00<table valign="top" border="0" cellpadding="10" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td width="60%">Hmmm. Three weeks since my first post. Doesn't bode well...<br /><br />Plus, I haven't actually begun to meditate. And while I admit that's mainly due to chronic avoidance of things I'm supposed to do (even when I actually want to do them) I think there's actually something more going on. I think maybe starting a videoblog was a subconscious attempt to sabotage the whole "be a better Buddhist" experiment!<br /><br />It makes sense. If what I really wanted was to start meditating, I'd have started meditating. But I didn't. Instead, I committed publicly to keeping a written record and analysis of the experience — <span style="font-style: italic;">and</span> made a video, which set a precedent that <span style="font-style: italic;">all</span> my blog posts would have a video. So now I can't make a post unless I also have a video.<br /><br />Bad move. I <span style="font-style: italic;">hate</span> making videos. The one in the previous post required totally tearing my house apart; I still haven't put everything away. Also, looking through the eyepiece of a camera makes me dizzy. (Now I remember: this was why I quit film school and turned to media writing, and vowed never to touch production equipment again.)<br /><br />So for three weeks, I've been dreading the next video. Just the thought of setting up the tripod, with its fictitious water-bubble level gauge things and flimsy, floppy, too-many-jointed legs, is exhausting. So I haven't done it. I've fretted about it and sort-of tried to start doing it and berated myself for failing to do it, and got myself locked into this weird "I can't do anything until I do that, but I can't do that, so I can't do anything" loop, where I feel constantly bombarded by the thought of how much I have to do that I haven't even started yet.<br /><br />So I end up not doing anything. Or only doing things that specifically aren't part of the thing I'm stubbornly avoiding. And since I'm avoiding blogging about my be-a-better-Buddhist project, I'm by extension avoiding the project itself. Hence: no meditating.<br /><br />Guilt sets in, and quickly turns to shame: I have this wonderful long break between semesters and what have I done with it? One measly post? Think of all the things a more together person could have accomplished in that time! Most people would be through the Four Noble Truths and well into the precepts by now, or at least have put a fucking cushion on the floor and sat on it a bit. Jeez.<br /><br />I have no excuse, only a new, chewy morsel of insight. Which in turn leads to a question: If I committed to the videoblog idea in order to avoid the actual meditating, should I let go of the videoblog idea? On the one hand, it was a form of self-sabotage and it's only made me miserable; on the other, if I had more self-discipline and perseverance I might eventually make some really good videos.<br /><br />Well, I don't have "more" self-discipline or perseverance. I only have some, and it's not enough to get me making a video every week.<br /><br />The Buddha was a very practical person. I think he'd agree with my decision here.<br /><br />So although I suck at being a Buddhist, maybe I do an OK job of sucking at being a Buddhist.<br /><br />Maybe.<br /></td><td valign="top" width="40%"><img valign="top" src="http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f316/mdrennan/demon_sm.jpg" />"<a href="http://liny.csie.nctu.edu.tw/demon.jpg">Buddhist Demon</a>" by <a href="http://liny.csie.nctu.edu.tw/">Jason Yi-Bing Lin</a>. Besides being a great artist, he's also a professor, book author, and tech genius. Drew a picture a week for the woman who is now his wife. Clearly not the type to sit around complaining or procrastinating — a MUCH better Buddhist than I am (whether he's a Buddhist or not).<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><table valign="top" border="0" cellpadding="5" width="55%"><tbody><tr><td align="left" width="45%"><a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/DiaryOfABadBuddhist" rel="alternate" type="application/rss+xml"><img alt="" style="border: 0pt none ; vertical-align: middle;" src="http://www.feedburner.com/fb/images/pub/feed-icon32x32.png" /></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/QcvG" rel="alternate" type="application/rss+xml">SUBSCRIBE</a></td><td align="right" width="50%"><a href="http://www2.blogger.com/profile/03935544884606178084">VIEW MY PROFILE</a></td><td align="left" width="5%"></td></tr></tbody></table><div class="blogger-post-footer">button button</div>Marie Drennanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03935544884606178084noreply@blogger.com1